Ways to Blow Cover on a Mission
by Clubcat
Summary: A collection of one-shots and drabbles featuring Mustang's team, mostly Ed since he doesn't have experience with undercover missions. Fun (mostly) ways a mission could go wrong. Suggestions and ideas are welcome. No pairings, unless otherwise indicated. Always complete.
1. Short Rant

**Summary:** One-shots and drabbles of various ways to blow cover.

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 **1\. Have a short rant gone too far**

Undercover at school - drug bust. Ed is a student, Havoc is the gym teacher.

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Ed walked through the school halls.

He was not happy with his location. The school was boring. Not only was it extremely easy, but the classes provided a ton of absolutely useless information.

Who needed to know the trivia of their literature class, not to mention most of that "knowledge" flew out the window as soon as they moved onto the next book.

So, no, Ed was not happy with his predicament.

The only reason he was here was because that bastard ordered him to go undercover. The case was from the higher-ups, and nothing could be done. Apparently the intel hinted that a dangerous drug gang was based in the school. Unfortunately, the intel couldn't provide any info of the exact reasons military got involved in the case.

The golden-haired prodigy grew progressively irritated trying to get past the bodies in the hall. That was another minus - everyone was freakishly tall here. Being stuck in a school with _older_ students was not fun as the thirteen-year-old quickly found out.

He really needed to get to the locker room. The next class was PE. Ed paused remembering that Havoc played the teacher there. Perhaps it wouldn't be as bad as the disaster with chemistry. It really wasn't his fault the teacher made a mistake in calculations, and he was the only one who noticed.

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Ed took that back. PE was disastrous. They had to change into sports uniforms. The Fullmetal Alchemist had no idea why everyone was making such a big deal out of his automail. Again. Sure, it was rare for someone their age to have fake limbs, but automail wasn't that uncommon in Amestris.

"So, how did you wind up missing an arm and a leg?"

"Where did you get the automail?"

"How come your parents allowed you to take the surgery?"

Reasonable questions. All of them. Or, at least that's what Ed kept repeating to himself.

"I bet it's fake. There's no way someone like him has _real_ automail."

It was the same idiot who tried to fight every normal person in the vicinity. The bastard loved to get on people's nerves, and it was evident in every aspect of his being. During lunch, he'd almost spilled milk on the alchemist. That was just unforgivable.

Really, Edward surprised himself by _not_ punching the moron since the lecture he would get wasn't worth it. Instead, the boy grit his teeth and walked into the gym before he lost control over his temper.

"What? Am I right or am I right?" taunted the - _Brian_. His name was Brian. Not that it mattered to the teenager who diligently ignored the annoyance at the door.

Havoc looked up at the commotion in interest.

Seeing Edward's murderous expression, the Lieutenant visibly shivered before signaling a quick _**you okay?**_

Ed responded with a terse _**Later**_ before going to the slowly forming line. He was practically shaking with barely contained rage.

' _This is not gonna end well'_ was all Havoc had time to think before said thoughts were interrupted by a very loud, angry scream.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT ANY BALL WOULD CRASH HIM LIKE A FLEA?!"

Jean noted that the yell was directed at a buff looking ginger.

"Edward- "

The ginger smirked.

"You, of course. Shorty."

Havoc lunged and tackled Ed just as the teenager let out an inhuman roar transforming his arm into a deadly blade with a mere clap. Colonel Mustang would not be happy with either the hospital bill or the charges against his subordinates that were imminent if this continued.

The class stared. After all, it's not every day that they got to see a teacher fight a strange new kid. Someone left for the headmaster.

The coach had the teenager pinned down by the arms and was trying to avoid being kicked in the stomach. The kicks that did land seemed incredibly painful if the grunts were anything to go by.

"Let go of me, Havoc!"

"Chief - ow! - calm down!"

Brian's eyes took the size of giant plates, and his entire body shuddered violently at the mental images of what the pipsqueak would do to him if the teacher let go. That level of fighting was not something he expected of the shrimp.

"Argh! I'm gonna transmute him into an ant and then crush him beneath my boot!"

The class backed away.

"No one calls the Fullmetal Alchemist short and gets away with it! No one!"

That was the moment the headmaster walked into the gym followed by a shy girl who ran out before.

"What's going on here? Stop the fighting! The Fullmetal Alchemist? You mean the youngest person to ever pass the State Alchemist exam? I want an explanation, and I want it now, or you're expelled."

Ed stopped struggling at hearing the commanding voice, and Jean let go of him in relief. He didn't think his ribs could take much more bruising.

"I'm waiting."

"Aah, you see..haha, funny story…"

"At least get rid of the blade if you're going to try to lie about it."

Both military officers winced. Yeah, there was _that_ to deal with. Their cover did not last even a week.

It was quiet for an entire minute before whispers started and soon turned into excited questions and exclamations.

" _You're_ the Fullmetal Alchemist?!"

"Wow! That's awesome!"

"Was the exam hard?"

"How did you do it?!"

"Why are you here?"

"Did you ever kill people?"

It was at that moment, Brian knew. He fucked up. So, he hightailed it out of the gym before the murderous shrimp remembered he was the cause of this mess.

"All will be explained to you later, but I'm afraid we must go now."

"Wait! _We?!_ You're with the military, too?!" Havoc winced. Mustang would not be happy with this. On the bright side, he actually won that bet.

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"What?! The gang wasn't even near the school?! You mean I went through that torture and time waste for nothing!?"

The day they caught the gang was not a quiet one. The ranting emanating from Mustang's office went on for hours. Someone on the other end of HQ suggested ear plugs. Breda won that bet.

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 **A/N: I did not expect the fight. It wrote itself.**

 **Anyway, most stories will have something to do with Ed with or without the rest of the team since he doesn't have much experience with that type of work.**

 **Ideas and suggestions are welcome. Reviews are motivation. Please point out any OOC stuff. Constructive criticism is welcome since I know this sucked.**

 **~ Till next installment,**

 **Clubcat**


	2. Strip Poker And Inconvenient Dogs

**Disclaimer: It has come to my attention that I have not done this.**

 **I do not own FMA or the related franchise. This has not changed since I started the fic and I will inform you so if it does change in the future chapters. Otherwise assume I have no ownership over it.**

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Bam!

Someone slammed an empty mug on the table. Slightly drunk and far too engaged in the game to mind their surroundings, the townspeople would have made this intel-gathering mission a breeze. Yet, nothing went quite as planned. Oh no, that was too much to ask, wasn't it?

It was going too well, Roy realized with a start. Nothing suggested that this should have been any more difficult than it was, but this small, very logical conclusion did nothing to curb the apprehension born of years of service in the hot spot of trouble. The nibbling thought that something was going to turn this simple job into a nigh impossible one stayed. For now, there was hope. There was always hope.

His doubts finally found ground as a large, loud dog burst into the inn.

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"Who wants to play strip poker?!" A drunken voice reverberated throughout the tavern, loud even over the din of the room. After a moment's hush, a few people got up off their sits to join the group. Havoc and Breda sat in the middle of the gang with cards on their hands already.

In all fairness, it was not such a bad idea to collect information as people were more likely to loosen up in the company of those who would willingly give up any perceived protection the clothes offered. Whether such an action truly made the person any less dangerous or not did not matter. Elementary psychology.

There was no reason for it to have ended the way it did - in screams as the players backed up from the undercover officer. Under the circumstances, however, there wasn't much to do but book it and abort the mission, at least for Breda. Although, that incident made everyone wary, and now it would be triple as hard to find out any substantial information.

It was going well. The entire team was good at what they did, and the more people were milling around, the higher chance they would have of overhearing relevant exchanges.

However, it was not to be as in the next minute, a barking Golden Retriever ran in. Everyone who knows Breda, knows his fear of dogs. In the following few moments, he seemingly teleported to the top of a nearby table.

The retriever, being the friendly dog that his breed is famed to be, apparently decided it was offensive that anyone could be that afraid of it. The blur of gold followed the disguised officer up and put its paws on the poor man's back.

That by itself was also no cause for concern, but the strip poker meant that some of the protection has already been torn away, which made the guns much easier to displace. When the dog was taken away, the concealed weapons became much less hidden as the blasted animal managed to move the straps in a way that made them very much visible to all the good townsfolk gathered.

Who would have thought a hidden gun would be suspicious? It's not like any normal, law-abiding citizen isn't allowed to have one or anything! Mustang resisted the urge to curse and set something on fire. Really, he should have known better than to hope it would all blow over when things were going well.

No, those drinks definitely seemed stronger than normal. Perhaps it could serve as their defense during the report.

...

...

...

No, that would only make things worse, damn it!

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 **AN: I have no excuses and can only promise to try and do better with the updates.**

 **Thank you for the favs and follows! Special shoutout to Attackoneverything, bergamots, ChocoMeoka-Chan, lexieconextreme, Munchy Fox, and ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm for the reviews! I am glad you enjoy the fic!**

 **Munchy Fox, thank you for the great suggestion! I have already started it, but it turned into a longer one. I hope to do it justice as it's an interesting one to work with!**


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